Oct 11, 2011 

"I'll be looking for you"

  
Some days I am overwhelmed with memories and stories. Some days I have a ton of things to say to you that it's too many things to even write down. It's one of those days. I started thinking of all the things you taught me over the years. I missed out on a lot of my teenage years chasing things that today don't mean anything to me today. Over the years I looked forward to hearing about your crazy shenanigans with your friends. Music, funny videos online, current slang. I had a chance to relive a little bit of my teenage years through you.



I remember the time you came back from Gina's in California, and your dad dropped you off at my apartment in Renton right from the airport. Jenny and Ethelyn came over that night too. It was one of the most entertaining nights with you.



We started off having Pho at this overly fancy restaurant down the street from my place. We found something on the menu that was filet mignon. 

Jenny said, "Cute Filet"



That was my French lesson for the day. 

You somehow convinced me to buy us booze and drink at my house. This was the first time we every got "Crunk" together. You had to be 14, maybe 15. Your idea of getting drunk was drinking Sparks. My poor little brother, how you crack me up. So we ended up buying real booze. Crown, Jack, Coke, and I of course had to have Malibu and Pineapple juice. I also got some mini shooters of Jameson whiskey and Bailey’s Irish cream. During the course of the night you got Evan to play gangster rap, and Jenny was trying to flirt with a guy who was into world of war craft so he logged in and we were all laughing that she wanted to hook up with this nerd.

At one point you tried to outdrink Evan. Being Irish/Puerto Rican he could easily outdrink you, but you were convinced. 
"Dude, what the F***, you don't even know, I can keep up. We're bout's to get crunk."



7 shots later you were begging me to take you to the store for Newport’s. Oh lord, you and Newport’s. You said it was what the "Brothas" smoked. Being born in Oakland California, requiring multiple blood transfusions, and being the same common blood type in the African American population you were convinced you were a quarter black, so who was I to tell you not to smoke Newport’s. However, we never made it to the store, we were all drinking at this point, and my camels would have to do. Before we went outside to smoke you had mixed this concoction consisting of Jamison, Baileys, Jack and Milk. Milk? You proceeded to make everyone try it, convinced it was the best drink ever. No one would try it, so you slammed it like a shot. We found ourselves out on my patio smoking. You were complaining that your chest burned from all the shots you drank, and I’m sure the "Best drink ever" probably didn't help. At this point you were dry heaving over the patio and talking so loudly that everyone in the house was screaming for you to be quiet. I had to work the next day so we all started to simmer down, you were in the bathroom singing to yourself. Jenny was screaming for you to shut up. Ethelyn was yelling for you to go to bed. I was too tipsy to baby sit so I turned all the lights out and we went to bed. A few minutes after I had just fallen asleep Ethelyn comes into my room and says you were projectile vomiting all over the kitchen floor. 



"At least it’s not on our carpet", I told Evan




"It's noodles." He replied. 

I got up to clean your mess and told you to drink water and lie down and stop bitching.  On my way back to my room you followed and ran into what you thought was the bathroom which actually turned out to be the coat closet, breaking the door. This wasn't an actual door. This was one of those pull out and it folds and slides to the sides kind of closet doors. How could you think that was the bathroom door?



I grabbed your shoulders and turned you in the opposite direction putting my hands on the small of your back and pushing you towards the bathroom. At this point you were vomiting again and making it very known in the apartment that you were. I shut the door after confirming noodles had indeed been dinner that night. You were using every curse word in the known English language, but in the most unusual combination. By this point it was already after 2a.m. I knew this cause I had to set my alarm on my cell phone to wake me up for work. Now it was quiet, now it was so quiet I couldn’t even sleep. I laid there and tossed and turned for a little. I could start hearing whispering coming from the other room. I could hear footsteps and thumping against the walls. I started listening more closely, but what I heard next didn't require that much attention to know what was being said. I hear Jenny and Eth from the living room. 



"Jeff, that’s not the bathroom!!!"

You broke my closet door, and then you peed in my closet. NICE! 

Just a few months ago we discussed your 21st birthday. We talked about going to Vegas and getting really drunk. This time you'd be legal. Now what am I supposed to do? I was looking forward to babysitting you again. Watching you make a fool of yourself and taking more pictures this time to document it.Watching you hit on hot waitresses at the casinos. Taking you to a strip club and watching you squirm, or wait, not care that I was there cause you were way to "faded" to realize who you were with. I was looking forward to it. My 21st birthday sucked. At least we'd have yours and I could make up for it. This time it would be even better than my 21st could have been. You have always been far wilder than I could have been. I never got drunk out in Port Orchard and feel asleep in someone’s barn at a party. I wasn't you. You were way cooler than I ever was at your age. I'm already missing memories that we never even had yet.



Last night we were watching YouTube and I found a ridiculous video of some white kids doing "The awkward rap". You would have laughed. Maybe not, our tastes were entirely different. I would laugh at it because it was funny, you would laugh at me because I thought it was funny. 



Kevin’s been watching a lot of "The wonder years". Winnie and Kevin remind me alot of you and Brai. Kevin Arnold reminds me of you. Adorably awkward, especially when communicating with the ladies. One of the episodes tonight was one where winnie was in a play "Our Town". Winnie plays Emily, a girl who had died. Emily decides to return to Earth to re-live just one day, her 12th birthday, and realizes just how much life should be valued, "every, every minute." she asks whether anyone realizes life while they live it. Did you??? Do you now that it's gone?

I wish we had been even closer. So close than no matter our problems we could always be able to talk it out. I’m sorry I was always caught up in my issues to notice yours. I wish you could see that things would have gotten better, things would've looked up. You would find yourself experiencing a life that you could enjoy and savor, every, every minute. I’m sorry you couldn't see that. 



Earlier today I was outside smoking and it was sunny and raining at the same time. It was actually very beautiful as the sun shined through the trees and the rain drops making droplet noises off the leaves. I hope you got to see a day when it rained while the sun shined. Now I find myself wondering if you're creating things that are beautiful for us to take notice. For us to realize the beauty that maybe you couldn't have seen when you felt like the world was such a bad place. Hummingbirds, and butterflies. The perfect wave crashing on the beach. A sunset with every shade of pink, purple and orange, or when the wind blows. When the clouds are moving so fast that you can’t help but make up stories about the shapes that are  forming, just before they scatter and turn into something else. Can you do those things? I hope you can. I hope the hurt that you felt when you were here is gone. I hope you can appreciate all the things you might have missed out on while you were here. But now you can create things that are even more beautiful than I could even imagine. So I just want you to know I'm listening, I'm watching. I'll be looking for you.

Song for you today is "Awkward Rap" -College Humor    

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nPeTfeFALk