"3 Weeks"
It's been 3 weeks that you've been gone. I can hardly grasp the idea. Some days are harder than others, but now that all depends on if I leave the house. It's hard when there's so many thing's that remind me of you. A favorite place to eat, a picture of a person on a magazine you made fun of, a movie, a song. It seems recently I've only been hearing song's that have message's that seem to have a hidden message from you to me. I guess that's cause I'm usually listening for those sort of thing's, but there's been alot of song's.
I miss that we were becoming the closest of siblings and that I for once was the favorite sister. I miss that you would talk to me, and come to me and let me give you advice, even if you weren't always hearing it. I keep puting you in my dreams as a little kid. I guess that's cause that's when I'm sure you were the happiest. Only care in the world was who would put in your "Sing along songs" VHS tapes, and when mom would be back from the store to make your Hot dog, rice and corn.
I asked a friend today at dinner why I had persistent dreams of getting lost with you as a little kid. Last night was a perfect example. I found myself driving around a residential area and worrying how we would get back, since we should have been back already and I couldn't find a major roadway. All I knew was that we were together, and I trusted my ability to take care of you. But when I wake up I realized I couldn't always take care of you. I would try to convince you that you're a perfectly normal 18yr old with the same worries and anxieties as any other fresh graduate venturing into the real world. Fact is I was wrong. You had alot more troubles in your mind than I knew. Fighting your own daily battle to just get out of bed. All I wanted was to save you. To watch you grow up and get your first place. Have me over for a glass of wine and one of our epic talks about life.
The little kid in my dream grew up to be my most favorite person. Someone I talked about alot. Someone I was proud to be my kid brother. My friend say''s the dream's of getting lost, and you being little is me trying to figure out who you were, and what you were suppose to accomplish. I guess I want to keep you in a safe place. I wish I could only bring you out of those dreams and watch you finish growing up, this time know what the future could hold, and steer you in all the right directions to avoid the reality I'm facing now. You are gone and even though I loved and cared for you, you made your own decisions, however impulsive it may have been. I regret not dragging you over here to live with me. Showing you a lighter side to life. You lived 18 years but the last several were heavy. They say not to built mountains out of mole hills. You'd get so lost in your own head you'd start building stairs up Mnt Everest. Life should have been simple and fun, light hearted and carefree. You rushed through your childhood in such a hurry. I wish I could have inspired you more. To stop and appreciate the little things. I wish you would have stuck around long enough to realize the world is not bad place.
The world is only as great as the world you create for yourself.~C.W.
I love you forever.
Love "Christina Ricci"
My song for you today is "He ain't heavy, He's my brother" By Jerle Bernhoft
http://youtu.be/ItsSUjr4zVs
