October 13th, 2011

"I can almost see you"

So this is my favorite picture of you. When we went to the coast and went camping with Ethelyn. This picture gives me peace now a days. I look at you at the beach and hope that wherever you are, it's half as beautiful as you are in this picture. I was talking to my friend Susan a few weeks ago and she was telling me when Daniel died she would have to put him "somewhere else" to give her peace for a while. When I have to be really strong and keep it together I put you here. I put you at the Cannon beach on the Oregon coast, right on the beach on a sunny day.

Before you left us I had been wedding dreaming. I have been thinking about the perfect place to have my wedding, what my colors would be, what we'd have for dinner at the reception. I think about it now and get sad that you wont be there. I just made a decision, right now. I want to married on the beach right where this photo was taken. Cause then I could see you, and feel you, and you could be there, with all of us, the way it should have been. I know you'd like that. You loved the coast. We should have gone back there again. I remember when no one wanted to swim with us in the ocean because it was too cold. We were the only ones. We went out as far as we could walk without getting swept away. Jumping each wave as it rolled in towards the beach. And when we came in to have snacks I remember all we could think was how salty everything was, and just how cold the water really was, even for a 4th of July weekend. I will go in February or March just when its starting to warm up. I'd love to go back there with you.

You know I associate everything with music. Usually I hear a song and I like to paint music videos in my head. This time I have this picture and I know there's beautiful music playing, but I figured no song in the world could ever capture what I see in this picture. But I found one. There are no words. No words in the English language could express what I see in this picture. I was listening to kid Cudi on the ferry ride to Kitsap when Pandora flipped to this song.  I feel like in the moments before we docked as I was watching the waves on the water, you found just the perfect song that I needed to hear. It's kinda cool that the song title is "I can almost see you", because I almost can. Like the day the photo was taken. Sun glistening on the water like millions of tiny diamonds in the sea, and the wind blowing our hair, and preventing you from lighting your cigarette. I can almost see you.

Hammock - I Can Almost See You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-ayuRE5xd8&fmt=18

"Grounded from each other"

October 12th 2011

Hey Kid,

So it's crazy that were getting close to it being a whole month that you've been gone. It's been long enough, can you just come home now? These past few weeks have gone by so fast, but there's still been days that just seem to go on forever. I've been having a hard time realizing just what happened. This still doesn't seem real. For a while now I wake up every morning with the same gut wrenching feeling that something is wrong, and I need to help you fix it. My mind attempts to process what's really happened, but I just get angry at myself for thinking that such a horrible thing would happen to such a wonderfully vibrant soul. This nightmare can't be real!

Even as I'm writing this an staring at the photo of us outside Starbucks back in, Oh i don't know, 2004, I still see  my favorite person to kick it with and randomly text song lyrics to, and invite over to drink wine with me and watch netflicks. Afterall, you have always been a text and ferry ride away. What happened to the "Pixie stick" days? When the only thing you worried about was how to convince your dad to give you money to go to Chevron, and get as many bags of pixie sticks that $5 bucks could get you. And if you were lucky, your big sis would be around to drive you up there to avoid the rain. I miss that Jeffery. I miss how we'd hang out and plan trips together.

I miss that time when I first got my licence and I snuck you out to Seattle to go to an all ages show in Ballard. How you were so excited to be at a show, but yet you made sure to always check out the people in the crowd to see who had "Jefferey approved" swag on or if you recognized anyone. I remember we went to see The Juliana Theory and JamisonParker and when I finally answered your dads phone calls I told him I took us to Spaghetti Factory in Tacoma, so he would think we weren't that far from home. But even still, the show was wrapping up at 10:30 and we had to be home before Mom did at 11:30, but here we come. 12:15 and Baxter is barking and your dad gets up to let us in and he's livid!

 WE GOT GROUNDED, FROM EACH OTHER!

Do you remember that? You weren't aloud to hang out with me outside the house for almost an entire month. Luckily a few months later I convinced your dad to give me a second chance and take you to see Death Cab for Cutie right before Christmas. I was so proud of myself. I had just moved to the city and just started working for Verizon and surprised you with a new wallet and tickets to the concert that night hidden inside it. Who's the best sister ever???

I even took you to dinner at Macaroni grill at north gate. I remember it all. We had the create your own pasta bowls and we had too much bread and strawberry Italian sodas, AGAIN. That was also the night you broke your silence about "smoking " for the first time, out of an apple. An apple? Who does that? Are you a hippie? You made me a promise not to let it get any further than that, and I'm pretty sure you kept that promise.

Then in February when I found out my friend from work Nick died, do you remember how I picked you up from the movies and was bawling and you asked me what was wrong and I told you? How I told you if I ever lost you I didn't know what I would do with myself? You promised me you'd never try to hurt yourself again? You assured me you would be ok and not to worry!

I'm not loosing it yet, and you're not here keeping your promise.

Song for today- NIN Leaving Hope (Piano vrs)

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVOWV8RzDHg

Oct 11, 2011 

"I'll be looking for you"

  
Some days I am overwhelmed with memories and stories. Some days I have a ton of things to say to you that it's too many things to even write down. It's one of those days. I started thinking of all the things you taught me over the years. I missed out on a lot of my teenage years chasing things that today don't mean anything to me today. Over the years I looked forward to hearing about your crazy shenanigans with your friends. Music, funny videos online, current slang. I had a chance to relive a little bit of my teenage years through you.



I remember the time you came back from Gina's in California, and your dad dropped you off at my apartment in Renton right from the airport. Jenny and Ethelyn came over that night too. It was one of the most entertaining nights with you.



We started off having Pho at this overly fancy restaurant down the street from my place. We found something on the menu that was filet mignon. 

Jenny said, "Cute Filet"



That was my French lesson for the day. 

You somehow convinced me to buy us booze and drink at my house. This was the first time we every got "Crunk" together. You had to be 14, maybe 15. Your idea of getting drunk was drinking Sparks. My poor little brother, how you crack me up. So we ended up buying real booze. Crown, Jack, Coke, and I of course had to have Malibu and Pineapple juice. I also got some mini shooters of Jameson whiskey and Bailey’s Irish cream. During the course of the night you got Evan to play gangster rap, and Jenny was trying to flirt with a guy who was into world of war craft so he logged in and we were all laughing that she wanted to hook up with this nerd.

At one point you tried to outdrink Evan. Being Irish/Puerto Rican he could easily outdrink you, but you were convinced. 
"Dude, what the F***, you don't even know, I can keep up. We're bout's to get crunk."



7 shots later you were begging me to take you to the store for Newport’s. Oh lord, you and Newport’s. You said it was what the "Brothas" smoked. Being born in Oakland California, requiring multiple blood transfusions, and being the same common blood type in the African American population you were convinced you were a quarter black, so who was I to tell you not to smoke Newport’s. However, we never made it to the store, we were all drinking at this point, and my camels would have to do. Before we went outside to smoke you had mixed this concoction consisting of Jamison, Baileys, Jack and Milk. Milk? You proceeded to make everyone try it, convinced it was the best drink ever. No one would try it, so you slammed it like a shot. We found ourselves out on my patio smoking. You were complaining that your chest burned from all the shots you drank, and I’m sure the "Best drink ever" probably didn't help. At this point you were dry heaving over the patio and talking so loudly that everyone in the house was screaming for you to be quiet. I had to work the next day so we all started to simmer down, you were in the bathroom singing to yourself. Jenny was screaming for you to shut up. Ethelyn was yelling for you to go to bed. I was too tipsy to baby sit so I turned all the lights out and we went to bed. A few minutes after I had just fallen asleep Ethelyn comes into my room and says you were projectile vomiting all over the kitchen floor. 



"At least it’s not on our carpet", I told Evan




"It's noodles." He replied. 

I got up to clean your mess and told you to drink water and lie down and stop bitching.  On my way back to my room you followed and ran into what you thought was the bathroom which actually turned out to be the coat closet, breaking the door. This wasn't an actual door. This was one of those pull out and it folds and slides to the sides kind of closet doors. How could you think that was the bathroom door?



I grabbed your shoulders and turned you in the opposite direction putting my hands on the small of your back and pushing you towards the bathroom. At this point you were vomiting again and making it very known in the apartment that you were. I shut the door after confirming noodles had indeed been dinner that night. You were using every curse word in the known English language, but in the most unusual combination. By this point it was already after 2a.m. I knew this cause I had to set my alarm on my cell phone to wake me up for work. Now it was quiet, now it was so quiet I couldn’t even sleep. I laid there and tossed and turned for a little. I could start hearing whispering coming from the other room. I could hear footsteps and thumping against the walls. I started listening more closely, but what I heard next didn't require that much attention to know what was being said. I hear Jenny and Eth from the living room. 



"Jeff, that’s not the bathroom!!!"

You broke my closet door, and then you peed in my closet. NICE! 

Just a few months ago we discussed your 21st birthday. We talked about going to Vegas and getting really drunk. This time you'd be legal. Now what am I supposed to do? I was looking forward to babysitting you again. Watching you make a fool of yourself and taking more pictures this time to document it.Watching you hit on hot waitresses at the casinos. Taking you to a strip club and watching you squirm, or wait, not care that I was there cause you were way to "faded" to realize who you were with. I was looking forward to it. My 21st birthday sucked. At least we'd have yours and I could make up for it. This time it would be even better than my 21st could have been. You have always been far wilder than I could have been. I never got drunk out in Port Orchard and feel asleep in someone’s barn at a party. I wasn't you. You were way cooler than I ever was at your age. I'm already missing memories that we never even had yet.



Last night we were watching YouTube and I found a ridiculous video of some white kids doing "The awkward rap". You would have laughed. Maybe not, our tastes were entirely different. I would laugh at it because it was funny, you would laugh at me because I thought it was funny. 



Kevin’s been watching a lot of "The wonder years". Winnie and Kevin remind me alot of you and Brai. Kevin Arnold reminds me of you. Adorably awkward, especially when communicating with the ladies. One of the episodes tonight was one where winnie was in a play "Our Town". Winnie plays Emily, a girl who had died. Emily decides to return to Earth to re-live just one day, her 12th birthday, and realizes just how much life should be valued, "every, every minute." she asks whether anyone realizes life while they live it. Did you??? Do you now that it's gone?

I wish we had been even closer. So close than no matter our problems we could always be able to talk it out. I’m sorry I was always caught up in my issues to notice yours. I wish you could see that things would have gotten better, things would've looked up. You would find yourself experiencing a life that you could enjoy and savor, every, every minute. I’m sorry you couldn't see that. 



Earlier today I was outside smoking and it was sunny and raining at the same time. It was actually very beautiful as the sun shined through the trees and the rain drops making droplet noises off the leaves. I hope you got to see a day when it rained while the sun shined. Now I find myself wondering if you're creating things that are beautiful for us to take notice. For us to realize the beauty that maybe you couldn't have seen when you felt like the world was such a bad place. Hummingbirds, and butterflies. The perfect wave crashing on the beach. A sunset with every shade of pink, purple and orange, or when the wind blows. When the clouds are moving so fast that you can’t help but make up stories about the shapes that are  forming, just before they scatter and turn into something else. Can you do those things? I hope you can. I hope the hurt that you felt when you were here is gone. I hope you can appreciate all the things you might have missed out on while you were here. But now you can create things that are even more beautiful than I could even imagine. So I just want you to know I'm listening, I'm watching. I'll be looking for you.

Song for you today is "Awkward Rap" -College Humor    

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nPeTfeFALk

October 10th, 2011

"3 Weeks"

It's been 3 weeks that you've been gone. I can hardly grasp the idea. Some days are harder than others, but now that all depends on if I leave the house. It's hard when there's so many thing's that remind me of you. A favorite place to eat, a picture of a person on a magazine you made fun of, a movie, a song. It seems recently I've only been hearing song's that have message's that seem to have a hidden message from you to me. I guess that's cause I'm usually listening for those sort of thing's, but there's been alot of song's.



I miss that we were becoming the closest of siblings and that I for once was the favorite sister. I miss that you would talk to me, and come to me and let me give you advice, even if you weren't always hearing it. I keep puting you in my dreams as a little kid. I guess that's cause that's when I'm sure you were the happiest. Only care in the world was who would put in your "Sing along songs" VHS tapes, and when mom would be back from the store to make your Hot dog, rice and corn.


I asked a friend today at dinner why I had persistent dreams of getting lost with you as a little kid. Last night was a perfect example. I found myself driving around a residential area and worrying how we would get back, since we should have been back already and I couldn't find a major roadway. All I knew was that we were together, and I trusted my ability to take care of you. But when I wake up I realized I couldn't always take care of you. I would try to convince you that you're a perfectly normal 18yr old with the same worries and anxieties as any other fresh graduate venturing into the real world. Fact is I was wrong. You had alot more troubles in your mind than I knew. Fighting your own daily battle to just get out of bed. All I wanted was to save you. To watch you grow up and get your first place. Have me over for a glass of wine and one of our epic talks about life.


The little kid in my dream grew up to be my most favorite person. Someone I talked about alot. Someone I was proud to be my kid brother. My friend say''s the dream's of getting lost, and you being little is me trying to figure out who you were, and what you were suppose to accomplish. I guess I want to keep you in a safe place. I wish I could only bring you out of those dreams and watch you finish growing up, this time know what the future could hold, and steer you in all the right directions to avoid the reality I'm facing now. You are gone and even though I loved and cared for you, you made your own decisions, however impulsive it may have been. I regret not dragging you over here to live with me. Showing you a lighter side to life. You lived 18 years but the last several were heavy. They say not to built mountains out of mole hills. You'd get so lost in your own head you'd start building stairs up Mnt Everest. Life should have been simple and fun, light hearted and carefree. You rushed through your childhood in such a hurry. I wish I could have inspired you more. To stop and appreciate the little things. I wish you would have stuck around long enough to realize the world is not bad place.

The world is only as great as the world you create for yourself.~C.W.

I went to Karry Park tonight. The one we went to on Queen Anne after your 18th birthday dinner with Jenn, Kevin and I. It feels different knowing we were just here a few months ago and I could grab you, hug you, see you, talk to you. I see the city lights and remember telling you how much happier living in the city has made me. You wanted to come to the city too. You wanted to live with me and try something different. Now all I can do is try to carry on stronger than I was before and live a life you would be envious of. One you should be living yourself. Anger is part of the grief, but I'm not ready to go through the stages yet. For now I will keep you hidden in my safe spot. The little kid in my dreams who would do anything to hang out with me. The kid who alway's wanted to play school and learn new things, especially from his older sister.
I love you forever.



Love "Christina Ricci"
My song for you today is "He ain't heavy, He's my brother" By Jerle Bernhoft
http://youtu.be/ItsSUjr4zVs