"Grounded from each other"

October 12th 2011

Hey Kid,

So it's crazy that were getting close to it being a whole month that you've been gone. It's been long enough, can you just come home now? These past few weeks have gone by so fast, but there's still been days that just seem to go on forever. I've been having a hard time realizing just what happened. This still doesn't seem real. For a while now I wake up every morning with the same gut wrenching feeling that something is wrong, and I need to help you fix it. My mind attempts to process what's really happened, but I just get angry at myself for thinking that such a horrible thing would happen to such a wonderfully vibrant soul. This nightmare can't be real!

Even as I'm writing this an staring at the photo of us outside Starbucks back in, Oh i don't know, 2004, I still see  my favorite person to kick it with and randomly text song lyrics to, and invite over to drink wine with me and watch netflicks. Afterall, you have always been a text and ferry ride away. What happened to the "Pixie stick" days? When the only thing you worried about was how to convince your dad to give you money to go to Chevron, and get as many bags of pixie sticks that $5 bucks could get you. And if you were lucky, your big sis would be around to drive you up there to avoid the rain. I miss that Jeffery. I miss how we'd hang out and plan trips together.

I miss that time when I first got my licence and I snuck you out to Seattle to go to an all ages show in Ballard. How you were so excited to be at a show, but yet you made sure to always check out the people in the crowd to see who had "Jefferey approved" swag on or if you recognized anyone. I remember we went to see The Juliana Theory and JamisonParker and when I finally answered your dads phone calls I told him I took us to Spaghetti Factory in Tacoma, so he would think we weren't that far from home. But even still, the show was wrapping up at 10:30 and we had to be home before Mom did at 11:30, but here we come. 12:15 and Baxter is barking and your dad gets up to let us in and he's livid!

 WE GOT GROUNDED, FROM EACH OTHER!

Do you remember that? You weren't aloud to hang out with me outside the house for almost an entire month. Luckily a few months later I convinced your dad to give me a second chance and take you to see Death Cab for Cutie right before Christmas. I was so proud of myself. I had just moved to the city and just started working for Verizon and surprised you with a new wallet and tickets to the concert that night hidden inside it. Who's the best sister ever???

I even took you to dinner at Macaroni grill at north gate. I remember it all. We had the create your own pasta bowls and we had too much bread and strawberry Italian sodas, AGAIN. That was also the night you broke your silence about "smoking " for the first time, out of an apple. An apple? Who does that? Are you a hippie? You made me a promise not to let it get any further than that, and I'm pretty sure you kept that promise.

Then in February when I found out my friend from work Nick died, do you remember how I picked you up from the movies and was bawling and you asked me what was wrong and I told you? How I told you if I ever lost you I didn't know what I would do with myself? You promised me you'd never try to hurt yourself again? You assured me you would be ok and not to worry!

I'm not loosing it yet, and you're not here keeping your promise.

Song for today- NIN Leaving Hope (Piano vrs)

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVOWV8RzDHg